I hit my peak of popularity back when I was in grade school Everyone wanted to be my friend; I thought that I was so cool Some girls in my class were always trying to spell out my last name W-o-j-c-i-e-c-h-o-w-s-k I would hear them say Now I was just being myself, I had my jock jams on repeat I loved Goosebumps, origami, basketball and R&B But now pro-wrestling is what I loved most, so did my best friend Cooler kids than us had yo-yos and they traded Pokémen And back in kindergarten Bobby was just a kid who ate glue But by the 5th grade well he was that kid who everybody knew And during recess one day he came up to me and my best friend He said why would someone like you hang out with losers just like him? Well I bet Bobby never makes it out of jersey If there's a god, let her show him some mercy Because I had not known People could be so cruel But I knew I never wanted to be cool So then bobby acted like me and him were made of the same stuff Trying to be some macho 5th grade ass like he was tough and dangerous When I told him to just go away, I had not realized My best friend's face had turned a wounded red, tears dripping from his eyes So I chased Bobby's skinny little sad and slow misshapen body Around the recess yard like dogs chase prey; well that's how I chased Bobby Tried to slither underneath a gap in our chain link fence But I was fast enough to grab him by the ends of his pant legs I pulled him back out to the playground where I lifted him right up I power bombed him right down on the grass, his body made a thud And so they sent me to the principal, office 223 I said I’m sorry Mr. Kelly, I don't know what came over me He said you're lucky; I’m just givin' you a warning Think on your wrongs kid, come and see me in the morning And I will always recall That afternoon at school 'Cos I learned I never wanted to be cool And I know there will be Bobby’s in this world to make me mad But you know I didn't really hurt him, in the end is it so bad That for a moment I just wanted to be Stone Cold Steve Austin Piledrive him down to the ground, then throw him in a coffin Sometimes we change so damn fast, we forget moments that defined us All the friends we can't remember, all our past selves hide behind us Till one day you stop to think about your life and start to wonder When this bitter world first stung you kind of like a Stone Cold Stunner And now I have gotten older, it has been over ten years I am not a violent person and I don't have too many fears But there is still not one thing I would not do for my best friends All the Bobby’s in this world will never sever me from them 'Cos I keep them close, like we're all a family And this song might not win me any Grammys But I still sing it proud As an exception to the rule I’m glad I never wanted I never wanted I never wanted to be cool

North side of Chicago There’s a house show for my birthday I’m too drunk to fix the speakers I just want to hear my friends' band play When I finally get things working The house was way too loud to hear them I watched Geneva strum her mandolin Like she did not care who the hell was listening I was a plant pulled by its roots To some semi-hidden higher truth Inside her eyes Nobody heard her then But god damn you'll hear about her now How she was wonderful Though I hardly heard her make a sound So now Ginuwine and Usher They’ve been my heroes now for so long If I could be their background singer I’d stop writing lyrics, I’d stop writing songs It would be fun, I would be happy Never worry 'bout next month's rent Gladly give up on the spotlight To just supply those oohs and aahs and ooh yeahs ‘Cos they might not be the highest form of art But they're my favorite parts Ooh ooh Nobody knows their names But we all hear their voice Risin’ over melodies Cacophonous egoless joy Seventh grade I joined the jazz band Barely knew how to strum these chords I’d sit by myself and practice Never felt like I fit in with those kids who'd won awards One time we played the national anthem For forty thousand screamin' baseball fans I was more nervous than excited My band director never even plugged in my amp But I still let that note ring Like I was Hendrix in the heat at Woodstock Ready to rock Nobody heard me then But goddamn you'll hear me now Learned how to play this thing Now I sing my songs nice and loud

Take a shift for the safety patrol Serve soft drinks awhile Then hustle into the hallway Find your girl, make her smile Dance to songs that you never liked Without stopping to care Lights are dimmed for the slow jams There’s young love in the air But then the hormones of thirteen You lose all hope for restraint Feel that bulge in your blue jeans Creeping in on her waist Close but not too close Hard but not too hard Leave some space for Jesus Leave some space for love At least those days you were vulnerable In ways that always made perfect sense Oh the girls well they had to know What made you awkward and distant then But when you grow up your skeletons They start to fester and multiply Even if you can hide them well You’ll still be living a quiet lie Never quite who they think you are Losing sight of the boundaries Where your most intimate moments Blur with personal tragedy ---- I hope one day you’ll dance with me I promise I will control myself There are words I could whisper you They’d bring us closer than sex itself This world is run by unspoken rules I am a creature of silence Finding comfort in all the space That separates and confines us So when my soul reaches puberty And it can’t help from touching you I hope you’ll coyly acknowledge it And let its warmth grow inside of you You’d be close but not too close It would be hard but not too hard Just leave some space between us Leave some space for love

I’d like to meet a skinny girl and fatten her right up I’d show her what they mean when they say looks are not enough And I’d bake her brownies every day As my small, special way to say I’d rather watch you smile than watch you watch your weight I’d like to meet a hipster girl and shit on all her bands I’d only play her love songs and she'd want to hold my hand She'd worry less about Dubstep Focus more on enjoying sex And I’d keep her so damn warm but she'd still feel cool Really I’d just like to find A girl out there with a like mind A girl to be my wonder drug I’d give her what’s left of my love Together we would fear no pain I’d kiss her in the evening rain And I’d rip my shirt right off to dry her face Like we were movie stars I’d like to meet an insecure girl and help her find her pride In everything that she's become and what she's made of her life She wouldn't even need me to see She’s the bomb like a WMD But I’d be there to tell her she's great when she forgets I’d like to meet a quiet girl and let her talk for hours She’d open herself up to me and we'd sip on Whiskey Sours She wouldn't be scared that I’d use her So we’d both be a little looser She’d be happy to know that I’m just listening Really I’d just like to meet Anyone who would like to meet me Maybe we would hate each other But we’d go on and find another Some people never try things on They’re too afraid of what could go wrong It seems strange to me to be scared of what could go right

Dear Teresa, I know you’re resting I just wanted to say hi Please know I’m thankful for all your blessings I am glad you have lived a gracious life But I’m still stuck here, I can’t stop drinking I’ve never wanted that much more Than love and wisdom, not wishful thinking When love just seems too pricey to afford That’s why I slap the bag on the subway That’s why I always spill some on my shirt It’s not cheap more than it is natural Like the grapes grow off the vines of this damp earth All the money I have wasted On those liquors above my means Like all the women I’m always chasing In their cute goddamn skinny jeans Now I’m a liar, I don’t do much chasing In fact I let them come to me Until I’m tired and sick of waiting Nobody wants to be lonely That’s why I slap the bag on the subway That’s why I always spill some on my shirt It’s not cheap more than it is natural Like the grapes grow off the vines of this damp earth Now call me crazy, we all have baggage This is the lot that we are cast Sometimes romance is poorly packaged Fermented slow and boxed up in mass Yet still I cling to what is solid Hoping someone will patch me up Until that moment so symbiotic When I’m stuck staring at the wine that’s in my cup That’s why I slap the bag on the subway That’s why I always spill some on my shirt It’s not cheap more than it is natural Like the grapes grow off the vines of this damp earth I’ve found more answers in broken hearts Than I have ever cared to know Years of mistakes and our lives get harder But from the failures of the past well we must grow So go head taunt me with all your riches That glass of Riesling too good to be true You’ll meet your maker under those bridges That you have burned and continue to burn through That’s why I slap the bag on the subway That’s why I always spill some on my shirt It’s not cheap more than it is natural Like the grapes grow off the vines of this damp earth Dear Teresa, I know you’re resting Please don’t pay them any mind Their cries of mercy won’t be forgiven They will pay the price of their wealthy lives I’ll still be stuck here, I won’t stop drinking At least that much will never change Maybe someday I’ll meet my true love And we will celebrate and drink up in your name That’s why I slap the bag on the subway That’s why I always spill some on my shirt It’s not cheap more than it is natural Like the grapes grow off the vines of this damp earth

If I had a shotgun I bet I’d barely ever shoot it Cause I wouldn’t know how to use it But I’d still like to feel it in my hands Pretend that I could ever really give a damn About what people think makes a man And if this world is broken I don’t know who’s gonna fix it I can’t even drive a stick shift Most months I am barely making rent Wondering if college was money well spent I don’t know what I’d do without my friends All my ifs and whens Wrong turns, detours and dead ends One long and winding road Not sure where to call my home But I’m surviving And if my best friend josh was here I’d kiss him on the lips It’d be like in a script From a film that would have got shelved in the fifties We’d both be swigging beer, maybe plastic bottled whiskey Josh is far from here but when I sing this song he’s with me And if I found a girlfriend, I don’t think that it would last My life moves much too fast And I have trouble putting all that faith In the type of love that lasts too long anyway Mostly I just stay away from pain All my ifs and whens Wrong turns, detours and dead ends One long and winding road Not sure where to call my home But I’m surviving If I write a book, well you will know too much about me There are some things I share proudly But they pale next to the things that make me scared The things that keep me up at night alone in disrepair Broke and battered but I do not care And if this song is over, this world will not be much different I still sure as hell won’t fit in My songs are just a way to pass the time Shedding skins of past selves I’d rather leave behind These words don’t count for much but they’re still mine

I’ve been lost in the clouds Grounded in my fucked up private shroud Scurry through the gaps in broken years I am disappeared Don’t care about much And I’d rather walk alone than walk with a crutch Mostly I fall right before my feet Not quite discreet But I always have a lighter And a pick in my back pocket And I always have an excuse to get drunk So if these days all blur together Know that I’ll love you forever Even if I never find the time to tell you A man of many words Sometimes I still don’t want to be heard This world is filled with vacuous white noise Yet I’m still employed I got friends in the east In a land of quaint suburban bullshit peace I miss and love them every goddamn day But I can’t complain Cause I can always find a message On the mirror in the men’s room That makes me question life’s unspoken truths So if these days all blur together Know that I’ll love you forever Even if I never find the time to tell you I don’t know what brings me down I don’t know what keeps me up And when we were in Spain So many frat guys, I smoked too much, life was insane Always had you as my slab of solid earth You showed me what I’m worth And I’ve seen the sun rise In dreams about the Midwest, I wonder why Home is just a concept I can’t grasp Lost in the past And I always have a reason For something to believe in Yet I never have the heart To follow through So if these days all blur together Know that I’ll love you forever Even if I never find the time to tell you And I always have a lighter And a pick in my back pocket And I always have an excuse to get drunk So if these days all blur together Know that I’ll love you forever Even if I never find the time to tell you

All your asshole friends They flock to fake breasts Leeches sinkin' into skin I hear your heart dance circles 'round the thought That you should just be fittin' in One furtive glance Tells me I Should just bring you home Don’t feel alone I just want to hold you I just want to hold you Streaks of starlight flow like rivers Through the auburn tresses of your hair Climbing up this cobblestone Take your heels off, baby I don't care Unlock your door Let your lab Lick the freckles on your face And ask me to stay I just want to hold you I just want to hold you Posters on your bedroom walls Hiding spots where you'd let the paint run Bubble gum and cigarettes Whiskey on your breath and on my tongue Breakfast in bed Make up lies For us both to phone in sick Days we won't miss I just want to hold you I just want to hold you I just want to hold you I just want to hold you

Stare at the pack Of menthol cigarettes It’s empty But so am I Too tired to call Someone far from here Open one more beer It tastes good Turn my speakers up Hear my friends' songs Hear my friend’s voice Once again And I will drift through my twenties Covered in confetti Pogo for bands That still make me happy I don’t mean to sound bitter But sometimes it still is Just like when we were kids Bottle full of whiskey, bag half full of powder Southbound Route 42 in the midnight hours Blowing past the tolls on the Ben Franklin Bridge Feeling small and swallowed in a world that's way too big We’re scraping up the spirit of the roads that bring us home Thinking of the ways that we have learned to live alone The price that’s paid for distance, see it in our eyes Useless tired slits—suburban youth belied I dream of parking lots with faces I know well I dream convenience stores where I know the cashier's name I dream of sweeter days and cheap champagne Drunken friends, commuter trains I dream of burning up that last piece of wood We're all burning up slowly We're all burning up slowly

New Jersey suburbs, I turn three or four years old Playing in the backyard by the kiddie pool with my cousin Nick I walk through that screen door; my whole family is gathered round the table They try to figure out what fills my tiny hands but they’re not able So my mother says “Oh look what did little Michael bring?” And my father says “Oh look you brought us a rock?” But when they realized what it really was, there were screams and fits They had discovered I’d presented them with my own shit Now Sigmund Freud said this behavior really is quite common Children idolize their waste as gift—tiny, sacred, solemn Then infantile love for feces, it grows into love for wealth As if Freud could trace how we grow up, well he can go to hell I know New Jersey ain’t no place for making grandiose claims No damn psychologist can tell me what’s gone wrong inside my brain So I say fuck you Freud You don’t know a thing about me Fuck you Freud You don’t know a thing at all My best friend Claire, well she’s finished up a few years of nursing school Before she did, they had her working part time at a prison She read heartbeats of broken men who’d long ago lost hope Trapped by four walls and their own frail condition truly exposed She said there was one man who’d begged her just to please set him free She told him “I just do my job that kind of shit’s not up to me” When she came back hours later, there he was—swallowing his own shit As if to say “look at this cursed place, it’s turned me into this!” Now some say Marquis DeSade was as brilliant as he was mad Imprisoned half his life, yet his ideas weren’t half bad He wrote that eating one’s own excrement was the truest liberation Surreal empowerment through embracing the most extreme depravation Sure it seems crazy and disgusting but thoughtless it is not Though I bet that man in prison never read that much DeSade He’d say fuck you French guy You don’t know a thing about me He’d say fuck you French guy You don’t know a thing at all I guess the moral to this story is you can’t hope to explain Just what it means to be human or grow up or be sane I don’t know much, I just scratch out all my hopeless bitter tunes My sense of humor is my last defense before I lick my wounds Communication is a bitch, I have my problems making peace When all the messages we send are completely misconceived Like there’s a guy who tries to tell me I write the funniest of songs Far from me to be the one to explain why that just seems wrong But at the core of all my stories, there is always something dark Smoke and mirrors for the murky corners of my swollen heart So I steal pennies from the dirty fountains of my checkered youth Hoping someday all these words I write will mean something to you No matter what I do people will still liken me to comics But what is funny and absurd to you is just me being honest So I say fuck you everyone You don’t know a thing about me I say fuck you everyone You don’t know a thing at all And I don’t need no pyrotechnics Or no three part harmonies To tell you how I wasted younger days Overthinking loneliness And trying to get laid